I was raised by two people who, through all the blessings they’ve received from God, have managed to remain humble. Whether it was a new car, my mother earning her Bachelor’s degree, a new house, or a vacation somewhere my brother and I were always shown the thankfulness and personified.
Naturally, those qualities have rubbed off on me. I find myself lately thanking God for even the little things: like the heater falling inches away from my foot, but not on it. Like the parking space that appeared by Target’s entrance when I have horrific cramps or even being thankful I catch traffic at the right spot so I can take a quick picture of the sun rising. But in addition to all of these things I thank God for the greater work He has done in my life like: giving me an amazing job opportunity with a global company, providing me with an awesome graduate program so close to the city I LOVE most, and for helping me find my place in the world I live in.
But it wasn’t until I had a conversation when I began thinking about MY blessings differently. She sat right across from me at the dinner table and said to me “Don’t be surprised if your relationships start to change, because you know, people get jealous”. And it hit me, she’s absolutely right. After a massive breakup last year between my boyfriend and I, I literally spent MONTHS evaluating every inch of every relationship I had. I started with my parents continued to high school friends, college friends, old roommates, past co-workers, and ended with him. I looked at what worked and what didn’t and most importantly I tried to figure out why certain relationships couldn’t get past a certain point. Too many times people can only love you when it’s easy for them, when it’s convenient for them, when they have more to give you.
I’ve experienced countless relationships like this and once I figured out this was the problem I realized that I could get over those who aren’t in my life or who are merely shadows that are casted in it in certain seasons. But getting into graduate school has been another defining line in my life and many time unannounced to us, the defining lines in our lives are also defining lives in the relationships we carry.
So not matter how humbly I receive my blessing there are always going to be onlookers who are covetous even when they claim they’re not. And this now is obvious to me. When I didn’t have to work certain friends had things to say about that and those relationships soon dissipated because they thought I was spoiled and that was something they couldn’t handle. The same thing happened when I moved out of the city into a new house, when I got a new car in college, and when I landed my first corporate job.
But no one said anything when they were the ones who had boyfriends first, or when they were teaching me how to apply makeup, or when I needed them to help me fine MY place in the world. Everything was fine then, for them you see.
And I’ve resolved that some people are just like that…I believe the Devil keeps us wanting each other’s blessings because it keeps us focused off our own.
And no, this entry isn’t about me thinking more of myself than I ought to. This is me being real. There are things that I could do to be better friend and I feel like I’m constantly working on those things but sadly, for whatever reasons, I encounter people who don’t like to work on themselves. So rather than working for the inner man to become changed they change friends and surroundings thinking that will heal their feelings of insufficiency. But it doesn’t.
And at one of the highest points in my life, I have to say that I couldn’t care less. I’m not in a competition with anyone but myself therefore if anyone, no matter who it is, can’t stand to be around me because the GOOD in my life reflects something missing in theirs they can literally keep it moving. Because I’ve done my share of supporting people who are studying abroad, breaking up with loved ones, changing careers, going back to school, etc. So if you can HONESTLY and LOVINGLY do the same for me please remove yourself from my midst because I’m moving wayyyyy to fast to stop and address you.
Title of this blog comes from a Jay-Z song and off the American Gangster movie*