[sur-kuhl] noun, verb, cir·cled, cir·cling.
1. the portion of a plane bounded by such a curve.
As I sat on the Port Jefferson ferry, my eyes searched across the plane where the Long Island Sound hugged the sky. The air was warm and thick, hanging around me heavily like an arm. The boat cut into the water speeding to the next shore. We were in between where we were leaving and where we were looking to go.
Four years prior, I was on the same ferry, leaving the same port, headed to the other shore. I was, however, in a different state of mind than I am in now. I was broken, I was sad, I was deeply grieved and I remember feeling lost. I was, in that moment, in my in between.
I looked over to my Mother this time and said “I’ve come full circle” and the words were just as much of a shock to her, as they were to me. But I have. The last time I sat on that boat, I remember feeling so desperate. The words that fell from my lips were weak prayers but, they were all I had. I needed to be helped. I needed to be renewed. I needed to be replenished. I needed God to give me back everything I had lost because life happened to me. Does anyone out there know what I’m talking about?
When you lose a boyfriend, a job, and a grandparent within weeks of each other it’s easy to use lose your footing, especially when you weren’t really sure where your feet were planted in the first place. So that was me four years ago. Sometimes we have to be stripped of things, people, and dreams when God knows they don’t fit into His bigger plan. It’s a harsh reality but a reality nonetheless.
This time, while on the Ferry, I sat down to read a book called “Victim of Grace”. How fitting. See, in the past four years, that’s exactly what I’ve been. I couldn’t help but lift my eyes up from the book towards the sky and smile and say “thank You”. I know that grace brought me this far. The weak prayers for strength were heard. The desperate prayers for a career path were heard. The deep longing I had for a place to pour my creativity was acknowledged.
I’m writing this for the person who can relate. I’m writing this because I really believe there are people every day who feel like they’re living on the flat planes of their existence. But, let me tell you…God’s got some curve balls. He can reroute your path in ways you would never expect. Sometimes, when God does this it is painful. Sometimes it’s awkward. But friends, it’s worth it.
I finally have clear direction as a writer, a professional, as a woman, as a Christian, and as a friend. I submitted to that tough season where I felt like I had emotionally flat-lined because that’s what I believe I was supposed to do. I was upset, I was scared, I was angry, I was disappointed, I was hurt. But every day I woke up I knew I wasn’t forgotten.
So now, when I think of some of the places or people I’ve seen or the things I’ve done recently I’m proud of myself. I see the progress in my decision making, in my expectations, in my capacity to love, and in my desire to continue chasing my dreams. Indeed I have come full circle.
I hope this encourages you. I hope this makes you submit to the tough times because life is going to happen to all of us. And guess what, it will happen more than once! Push through it, get to the other side of your shore. And remember, God is in control and He will provide you with a “full circle” moment, you just have to take the first step towards the bend in your road!